The Little World

Dante was not the only person who made a journey to the lowest depths of Hell and wrote about it. I’ve been to the hobby shows myself. Apart from a little more sulphurous smell and uglier demons, they are remarkably like the underworld.

And just as Dante found, there are distinct levels of the place, dedicated to specific models:

Circle One – the Circle Of The Very Old Kit

This circle is composed of all the dear old wonderful kits of our memories. Those cheerfully boxed post-war experiments by manufacturers who had just gone from bakelite to styrene and had no idea what it could actually do, past burn a hole in the linoleum. Kits in this circle look fine until the light of truth is shone upon them and then the horror is revealed. Still, they do come in bright colours…

Circle Two – The Circle Of The Re-Box.

Like Circle One, this circle has many older kits, but they have been resurrected after dying horrible commercial deaths and are made to stalk the earth again. In some cases yet, again…Like all zombies, they are breaking apart, with bits sloughing off and falling in the mud and a general appearance of decay and rounded edges. And like zombies, they will eat your brains if you get too close.

Circle Three – The Circle Of The Third-Raters

Third-raters are kits that are included in a distributors’ consignment to use up empty space in a cardboard carton if the shipper doesn’t want to spend money on styrofoam packing beads or crumpled newspapers – the Third Rate Kits are less valuable than old newspaper.

They featured largely on the shelves of country stores in the poorer sections of British Columbia and Alberta in the 50’s and 60’s – kits that would only be purchased as a gift when you had to give something and there were no fly swatters or boxes of kitchen matches available. Non of them were ever attractive, none of them were significant, and none of them were ever mourned. Oddly enough, some actually had parts that fitted. It was a cruel jest on the part of the Japanese makers at the time.

Circle Four – The Circle Of The Prototypes

This circle is a collection of kits made of the one and only example of something ever known to exist. Whatever is made is then taken as the prime example and universal model for ever after, and no amount of scholarly research and clear evidence ever sways the people who have seen the Prototype Model. They maintain a Reign Of Error henceforth.

Circle Five – The Circle Of The Merchandised

Whenever there is a new version of an old movie of an old comic book, the Chinese factories open the doors to this circle and send an order down to the demons. They want copies of whatever can be drawn from the screen – it doesn’t matter if it is a figurine, a vehicle, a scene, a prop, or a mask. Just pour it, paint it, and price it. It is bound to be collectible eventually, as long as the Earth does not spiral into the Sun too soon.

Circle Six – The Circle Of The Scales

You want a 1:127th scale model of a banana to go with that 1:40th scale model of a monkey? No problems, Just turn the handle on Satan’s Casting Machine and accept whatever size pops out.

Circle Seven – The Circle of the Finishing System

Don’t mind the smell. Someone left the top off the vat of thinner and it was contaminated with good sense. We’re fishing that out now. This circle contains the 589 competing paint and finishing materials manufacturers who are conducting an eternal trade show in a confined space. None of the systems are compatible, nor are their makers. When the rest of Hell goes quiet we come down here for the screaming.