The Little World

But…

a. No-one makes it. Or at least they do not make it in the scale I want. Or they make the Mk 2 version and I want the Mk 34 version…

b. They made it in 1959 and have been re-issuing the kit ever since. Every time the mould changes hands they hire another art student to paint a box picture and out it comes again. By now the two halves of the steel mould blocks look like swiss cheese. There is enough flash to make a decent kitchen table top. The plastic of the kit appears to be melted-down beer crates.

c. The real plans for the aircraft/tank/car/ship were lost in the earthquake of Lisbon during the 18th century. Everything after that has been drawn on the back of an envelope in the local cafe by the mould makers. This explains the discrepancies between different maker’s models.

d. It is so ugly that even though 34 actual examples exist in museums all over the world, the staff won’t let the model-makers see them or measure them.

e. The prototype was made by a corporation that has more lawyers than designers and they have convinced the management that everything needs to be licensed and paid for. Currently they are trying to have the concept of the ” sneeze ” copyrighted and everyone is going around with their fingers under their noses for fear of being sued.

f. The prototype was so badly balanced that there is no way you can pack the nose of a model with enough lead to get it to set down on the nose wheel.

g. The design of the body of the model is so sinuous, organic, and amorphous that no-one can agree on where the mould lines should go. The CAD-CAM machine that tries to design it keeps bursting into flame.

h. My wife says that I should consider that she makes my life complete. I would be prepared to agree if she would let me fill her seams and sand her down, but she protests. It is an ongoing discussion.

I. How would I move it when we shift interstate? It’d be hard enough to get behind it to get the old rat corpses out, let alone put the whole thing on a low-loader.

j. We live in an apartment building that has a tenant’s council. The sawing and hammering at 2:00AM would be difficult to get past them, let alone the delivery of the steel or the smell of the cattle.

k. It is difficult to decide which period of time to base the model on; pre-1066 or post-Falklands.

l. They have just issued a 1:12th scale model of it with complete interior and working engines. All the doors open and both the radar and the baker’s oven work in scale. All the rails are authentically spiked down to exotic hardwood sleepers and you can change the barrels on the Oerlikon guns.

I could either buy the kit, or eat for the next two decades.