The Little World

No, you fools. Not THAT kind of model porn.

Scale model porn. The tempting images that the manufacturers of model kits put out to lure you into the dens of plastic iniquity so that they can separate you from your money. Box art, posters, videos. And the columns and columns of aftermarket accessory packs advertised in the scale modelling magazines.

I saw a three-part pullout for a resin model of an engine – lying on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. I reckon it was touched up, though. All sort of orangey coloured…Phoooarrr…

The tastiest productions are reserved for the internet and the catalogues of the model tools suppliers. There is something about a full-colour blowup of a jewellers lathe with extra arbour wheels and a screw-cutting jig that will send you off to your bunk. The most tempting ones send you off to your credit card and your PayPal account, and then you have to do that sordid thing where you lurk around the front door to try to intercept the Star Track guy with the package before the wife sees it.

And it’s no good hiding a complete power jigsaw and sander under the mattress – eventually she’s going to investigate the lump and then you’re in trouble.

When it comes to looking at the tool sites I am fine until I get to the bottom of the page and it tells you the price. Items sent from the eastern states are expensive but those from overseas are even worse. The shipping is the killer, plus our low rate of exchange. In most cases you are far better to wait for something to hit Bunnings or Aldi as a cost-leader than to pursue it on-line. That may sound ambitious, but recently a friend bought a 3D printer from Aldi for a ridiculously low figure and it is a ridiculously good product. I’d ridicule this except I want him to do some printing for me…

As for myself, I need all my will power to walk past the tool stand at the local hobby shop with eyes averted. I can hear the sanding sticks crooning to me. The sweet small siren song of the X-Acto blades. And the low moaning of the masking tape, flaunting itself.

‘Scuse me. Gonna take a cold shower.